Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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