I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
