I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
