New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
God, I missed his penis.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
