break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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