Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
