theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
