1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
