ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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