Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
