Only a mothe r could love this liver
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
