I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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