i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
