apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
