Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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