so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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