he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
