That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
