Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
