my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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