you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
