Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to make a zoo with you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
