she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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