He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And then my night got REAL pukey
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
