I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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