You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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