got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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