Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
