Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
