I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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