we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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