You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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