3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
