Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
