You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
