I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
