so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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