I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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