Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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