God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This is my life. Enjoy the view
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
