Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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