she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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