Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
