I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize