last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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