Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
