I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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