i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
