my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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