i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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