thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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