the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
