Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
