i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
