Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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