when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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