so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
