it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
