There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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