I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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