He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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