Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
